Recent tragedies

I know the title isn't a real "ooh that sounds fun to read" but I typically blog to somewhat journal what's going on in my life and to write down my feelings so later on I have something physical and tangible to remember what life was like for me then.
  First I want to talk about my dear friend Kelsey and her sweet son Theo who passed away a year and a half ago. As some people know, the trial to sentence her killer was last week. It's amazing to me how almost everyday something reminds me of Kelsey and Theo and I'm sad they are gone. Sometimes it's just a feeling of pain in my gut and other times its full blown tears. But I tend to live my life normally for the most part knowing that they are existing right now in a much better place and the only one who is sad is me wishing they were here to be with me. But with the trial being here, all of the sudden I was knocked back down to where I was a year and a half ago, feeling a gaping whole in my stomach all the time. All day feeling a cloud of deep depression and despair hanging over me. And so I went to go visit their grave. And it was amazing how calming it was for me. It truly felt like there was an essence of them still there. And when I touched their grave plates I felt a bit of comfort like I was so much closer to them. I didn't know Kelsey for that long but she was a best friend for me in the time I needed one. She was a light. I have never met someone as genuinely happy and silly as her. And Theo was so much like his mom. Just a sweet sweet baby. I was hoping our friendship would last forever. So it was deviating when they left this earth and I can honestly only imagine the pain of those who knew her for her whole life. Those who knew more of the two of them and experienced them more and were more connected to the two and how these people's pain must have been exponentially greater than mine.
  And then Monday came (the day of the sentencing.) I was glad I couldn't actually be in court because I didn't know how I would feel to see the person responsible for selfishly taking their precious lives. Even seeing pictures taken of him from behind made me feel nauseous. And I waiting eagerly to find out what happened. I was checking the Internet hourly to see what happened. He wasn't going to be given the death penalty because he had plead guilty in September, then the case was delayed an hour due to negotiations. And it was over, he was sentenced. He was given life in prison with a chance of perole after 50 years.
  and this is how I feel about it. I've been pretty quiet about the whole thing because I don't really want to run my mouth and shame her or her family in any way and I don't really want to focus on the criminal at all. But I was pretty disappointed. I was disappointed about a lot of thing. I feel like the judicial system let them down. When it's was the only thing to somewhat give justice to Kelsey and theo beyond the grave it failed. I don't understand how someone who caused death to two people can get out of being penalized his own death. Just because someone owns up to their own sin doesn't make it less of a sin calling for less of a punishment. I read that there was some discrepancy on if he should serve the time for the crime consecutively or concurrently. that just drives me mad! If he served them concurrently, he would just be serving one sentence. There shouldn't even be an argument about it. That's what it is. It would be saying one life lost didn't matter. There should never have even been an argument against him serving them consecutively at all.
  Then I saw that there was great attention given to the character of this man. Who cares! This wasn't an accident. It was a planned out act. He planned to kill them and did. It doesn't matter if he seemed nice he apparently always had the capacity to kill. And why should that even matter, a child is punished for disobeying regardless of how sweet they are. So a criminal should be charged according to their crime, not their character. I don't see how someone who stole two innocent lives should ever be given the possibility of having a normal life, even if it is after 50 years of jail. I'm glad there is closure in the fact that what's done is done but I am disappointed in the end. I just hope that now that this is settled people don't forget about Kelsey and Theo. I'm afraid that since there isn't anymore to the story for a lot of people that they will go on with their normal lives but honestly when those two people left this world, they took part of it with them and left us with a hole. Please, everyone who was touched by this, please hold on to any memory of the two of them that you have and let them still live on that way.
  Now on to the elementary shooting that happened a couple days ago. I will say, I was saddened but wouldn't really let myself focus on it too much. Then last night it all sunk in. I was on Facebook and when I actually saw those precious faces, I just lost it. Giant tears started rolling down my face and it soon turned into an ugly cry. Luckily I was alone so I could just let my feelings out with out feeling like I had to hold back. When I could see each face I could see my little Nixon. I was flooded with thoughts about how they were probably silly. How she probably liked princesses. How each of them probably already had gifts that their parents purposefully and excitedly bought for them in anticipation for what they would do on Christmas in excitement when opening the preasants. These children were all someone's baby in the beginning of their lives like my Maddox is to me right now. Their parents were excited to see their heart beats in the womb. Each one had a unique and special story as to how they were delivered. Each one cuddled and felt comfort in their parents arms. Their parents watched them as they slept, took joy in all of their milestones ; rolling over, sitting up, their first steps. They all had mannerisms and quirks unique to them. And it was just a normal day. Everything was like always for those parents until the event. And all I could think was how those parents must have just wished they could go back to the day before when they lived in a world that their babies existed, where they didn't know their baby was gone forever. I can't think of a worse feeling.
  But then I read the stories about the adults. And though it didn't make the pain and sadness go away for the families who lost something immeasurable, it was a piece of beauty in something that seemed so infinitely horrible. I read about the principle who lunged at the attacker losing her life to protect those angels. Even though I have no ties to her, a sense of pride comes over me, instead of feeling embarrassed of my humanity (being tied to the shooter through the fact that I too am a human,) I find pride in it because of heroes like her. I read about the 27year old teacher who hid her children in cupboards and closets and told the shooter they were in the gym, losing her life for her protection of the children and I feel this sense of complete gratitude towards her. She was practically my age and I can't help but think I would be like her if I was caught in that situation. I read about a teacher hiding in the bathroom with her students afraid they would die, spending the time in the stalls telling them how special they are so that would be the last thing they heard instead of horror and shooting. What beautiful people these adults were. Heroes in every essence of the word. Bringing honor to their families beyond the grave.
  It's such a deeply emotional event and I'm so tired of people immediately making it about themselves, if they are going to lose their right to bear arms. Can't you just relax and give those people the honor and respect they deserve. Can't you grieve with the families instead of talking about your political views. With that said, it kind of forces my hand. I never think we should alter the Declaration of Independence for ourselves due to one situation. So I do think its important to weigh that we are given the right to bear arms. However I'm so tired of hearing people who want to keep their guns saying "it's not guns that kill people, it's people." Everybody knows that. However if a child is given a knife and cuts someone's finger, the child is responsible but they should have never had access to the knife. People that are mentally unstable should never have access to guns in the same way. If the nation could find a way to make sure that those who aren't "qualified" so to speak absolutely will never have access to a weapon so sever as a gun, then so be it. That would be perfect. But I feel like if we can't ensure that, it's better to take it all away because you'd better be safe than sorry. I know there are so many benefits to guns but I feel that the risk of lives being taken is much higher and irreversible. When Nixon is around Maddox and wants to play with something that inappropriate for a 6month old because Maddox could choke on it. Both of them aren't allowed to play with it because of the possible danger. I hope we can find a system so that those who are qualified to bear arms can, and we can keep our rights while the option isn't at all available for those who shouldn't.
  But I feel like that's not for us to decide. As civilians it's our place to stand with those families and mourn with them. To pray for them, to love them as a nation. I feel like every post positive or negative about guns is one post wasted that could have been used to lift up those families and children instead. I hate reading them because that's time that I just spent focusing on that aspect instead of thinking about these preciousn babies and heroines.
  May God trusty bless America  right now in our time of mourning. That said there is a time for every season and I truely believe this is a time of mourning the lost and being thankful for and loving the ones you have. Tomorrow come what may.

The Rollercoster of Life

It's been a while since i've updated the blog because life has just blown in like a ghust of wind from all sides raising and dishoveling everything close to me, some good, some hard, some painful.

1st, we moved into our new apartment, which I am loving. Unpacking has been stressful just because it always is, but I've enjoyed redecorating. Not only do i love our little place, but I love where we are located. I told Michael recently, I live a life of inner turmoil, I love and hate Corvallis so passionately. I'll explain some of this later. But I really do love corvallis. Our apartment is in town now, so Nixon and I can practically walk anywhere. It's so green and beautiful around our apartment, and since corvallis is such a family oriented city, there's plenty of parks close by for the little guy and I to enjoy.

On the other hand I hate Corvallis right now. Those who follow my facebook know that a couple weeks ago, I lost one of my newest and best friends and her little son. I work at night at a Senior Living Center for Alzheimers patients. It has it's ups and downs, but one of my very favorite things about working there was Kelsey Baker. From the first night we started working together we hit it off. Not only did we have semi similar lives, with our work and babies, but I truely enjoyed her company. Of all people I've known, there have been a handful, that I never get enough of because I'm so happy when i'm with them. When we weren't spending eight hours of work talking, and laughing together, we were getting lunch or having playdates together. Nixon and I couldn't get enough of Kelsey and Theo. But a few weeks ago, they were stolen away from this life. I've been dealing with emotions up the wazoo. Sometimes i just want to laugh at some of my memories and sometimes I want to just cry and sleep because a world without Kelsey and Theo is definately lacking. So I hate Corvallis, because not only does it seem like there's something missing to me, but somedays everything seems to remind me that they were snatched from life and I will never be able to enjoy them again.

Luckily right after this happened, my parents flew up for a trip that was pre planned. It couldn't have come at a better time. It was a time of relaxation, emotional rehab, long needed family fellowship. I forget just how much I miss my family until I see them (if that even makes sense.) It's just so beautiful to see my dad squeezing Nixon in his arms. And when I'm conversing with my mom, I just feel a sense of "home." I had such a wonderful time during their visit.

Then I came back to real life after my vacation from it. I had my first day of work without Kelsey. It pretty much consisted of me feeling fine when i was talking with my co-workers, but then left to myself, internally fighting with every inch in me, not to let my watery eyes drop one tear. Literally, my neck was sore at the end of the night from clenching it the whole time in order to not cry. For some reason I felt this burden not to act like anything was wrong or missing because it would make others feel awkward. Meanwhile Michael's work had become a big dishoveled mess too. Tw0 people out of his 3 person sales department left. Needles to say, stress is at an all time high in certain parts of our lives...

And then I look at mr. Nixon, and everything seems to not be as bad. No pain or sorrow in my life seems to compare to the joy God gives me daily through that little muffin. Each evening, I find myself cuddled up in Michaels nook on the couch watching Nixon run around and our world seems right again. I don't know how we got so lucky to be entrused by God to take care of this beautiful, joyful child while on this earth.

I have truely found the Lord to be my rock, and Michael to be my stablity on the rock, to catch me when I falter, and Nixon to be my added joy to make the tough stuff not seem so impossible.

p.s. Nixon is just eating up knowlege right now. He says so many funny words that aren't quite right and it makes me melt. Like when I change his diaper he says "pu pu" which is his way of saying poo poo. I ask him what his name it and he says "Nishin." He's always finding brushes and brushing his hair, or finding shovels and spoons and pretending to eat, and afterwards going "mmmm." He's been going down for naps so much better too, and now when he wakes up, on the moniter I hear, bu bye, hi, and giggles. :) WHAT A BLESSING HE IS~

the Madness that was March

Well in the month of march, things have just seemed so busy. Mad Mad Madness I tell you.

Michael and I have been really feeling in our heart that it was time to move into a new place. We love our home now but its a little far from "town" and it doesn't have a stove. I've really been wanting to take on cooking again. It's been weiging on my heart, especially with Nixon growing and needing real meals, I've been craving a kitchen of my own. So for that last couple months, I've been looking at places in Corvallis, almost daily and becoming very discouraged. I didn't want to move to anywhere with less square footage and our place was pretty big. Two bedrooms was a must. I wanted nice cabinetry and preferred 2 bathrooms, in a good part of town. And it all had to be in our price range In my search, I found craigslist fraud up the wazoo, most places had less square footage, or the indsides just wouldn't work for a toddler. But we finally found a complex, 1 min outside of town, bigger than our place now, on the lake, and (wait for it...) there's two bathrooms. I'm so excited. So last month, i was going crazy filling out applications to places, and this month is going to be crazy with moving.

Nixon is doing so much. He had his dr.s appointment and was told he had "above average vocabulary." This was such a blessing, because I've secretly been insecure about Nixon's timing of things. I knew a lot of people who had babies that called around 7 months, but Nixon started crawling at the end of 9 months. I remember the day he started crawling, i was so excited, and we went to Michael's work celebrating, only for a woman to say "oh he's 9 months, is he walking, My friends baby who is 9 months is working on walking." It totally crushed my high. Then when it came to walking, I knew a lot of people who's babies walked at 1 year. Nixon started walking at about 13 or 14 months. Everyone said that he was right on schedule, but i couldn't help but feel like he was "slow." So for the doctor to say his vocabulary was above average was such an answer to prayer. It doesn't make me feel like he's at all advanced, but finally right on schedule. I think if he said Nixon was average, I would have felt like "yeah but he was late on the other stuff, so he's still kind of slow." but since he's a little ahead, i feel like it made up for the crawling and walking and he's just perfectly average!

He's doing so much. Cracking his own jokes. He blows kisses, gives hugs, scrunches his hand to wave, he says bu bye. He says "heh oh" which is hello. It really is just so fun. He's almost completely wiened off of a bottle. He only uses it before bed time but he's finally taken to sippy cups. And he can eat anything. I'm sorry this is a boring post, i just had to write it to document our family :)

Apples and Re-Visited Toys

So recently while Nixon and I were at the grocery store, we were in the produce section and I stumbled across something amazing in my own little Mommy world. Baby sized apples!!! I've been trying really hard to get Nixon to eat adult food, so when he's older, I'm not having to blend or cut food up special for Nixon. Sorry, but I'm not sending my child to school with a baby food sack lunch. So Nixon and I have been sharing real fruit, sometimes babanas, sometimes pears, and sometimes apples. I eat them whole with Nixon. And at times I'll give Nixon his own whole apple to hold in his hands to eat, but it's just kind of pitiful to watch those tiny hands try to hold the giant apple. So I bought these baby sized apples. Oddly enough they cost more than regular sized apples but it was worth the difference. Nixon was so happy with his Nixon sized apple. He just looks like a little "big person." Another thing I'm learning as a Mom is the fickle mind of growing babies/toddlers when it comes to toys. Nixon will love a toy for a couple days and then he won't touch it for weeks. I'll put it in front of him and he'll just toss it aside. Then all of the sudden he will rediscover it later and it will be the best thing ever that day. He has three large tubs of toys in random spots in our home. He'll dive into the same one consistantly for a week and ignore the other two. Then the next week, that tub might as well not exhist and his only concern will be the next tub. So last night Michael and I were sitting on the couch talking while Nixon was doing his own thing over by his toys (which really means taking toys out of the box and placing them all over the house and then focusing on one toy.) All of the sudden he starts crying. He is leaned over his box, sifting through the box crying. I thought he might have smashed his finger, or lost his balance and maybe teetered into the box a little. Michael went over there and started laughing. He said "oh no, we aren't hurt we just can't get the red piano out." It was just a little humerous moment for the Lang family because I bought this piano for Nixon when he was about 6 months old because he HAD to have it. Then when we brought it home he was less than thrilled for it. Now 9 months later Nixon wants it so bad he's having a meltdown because he can't play with it. Needless to say ALL NIGHT LONG all we heard was the clanging of those four keys over and over.

1st Official Hair Cut

Today I went to get my hair cut by our normal hair stylist, Kristy. She's been cutting Michael's hair since before we were even engaged. Then when we were married I started getting my done by her. She's been there through the pregnancy cutting my hair and after. It was only right to take Nixon to her for his first official hair cut. He's gotten a little trim at home from Michael, but it was time to have his hair cut into a style. I was celebrating because my bald baby finally had enough hair to actually get a real hair cut!

So after I got my hair cut, Nixon got in the big seat. He was so serious and so still through the whole thing (just like how he gets at the doctors when he is checked.) When he was first put in the chair with the cover around his neck, he looked like a tiny floating head amongst a big dark drape. He looked nervous and I was afraid he would just break down crying and there would be no hair cut because his face looked so unsure. But he braved through it.To get him to look down, we used our phones with videos for him to watch. He was quiet the whole time and barely moved his head to peak in the mirror. Kristy kept saying his behavior was "unreal" for someone his age. We were definately proud doting parents today...and of course, he got a phohawk!

Sticks sticks sticks

Nixon's favorite toys this week are sticks! For some reason our bathroom is the temptress of all rooms for Nixon to get into bad things. As if the drawers and cabinet door aren't exciting enough for him, and his new joy found in flushing the toilet over and over aren't tempting enough now the little guy has found the joy of long sticks which are the major body part of the toilet cleaner, the plunger, and the broom (all lovely toys for a child to play with.) So now if i'm not careful while getting ready, I will catch this tiny little guy walking with his belly out front, his bum sticking out back, and his arms in the air waiving around the broom or toilet cleaner, or walking around with the plunger like a walking stick. So hilariously odd. (oh side note, he realized that he can lift the toilet seat himself, so after finding him poking the water with his pointer finger while holding up the toilet seat, we got a toilet lock)

Another small task but big in the eyes of mommy, Nixon can dismount from the couch all on his own. In the past, Michael and I have had to watch Nixon closely while he's on the couch or bed because he would crawl his fastest right to the edge without thinking about the fall after the edge. We've been working on instilling the idea of "turn around, and slowly lower your feet to the ground," which he finally applied today all on his own while we were on the couch. There's something new everyday.

Recently I've been reading in Chronicles 2 about all the different kings who ruled the house of David after him, and how eventhough some followed the Lord, some sons didn't and ruined the kingdom. So I've just beed reminded how important it is to raise Nixon up in the Lord and show him my passion so he will be intrigued too. So I have these little CD's that are a Bible verse a song and Nixon actually really likes it, (he usually cries at worship music and smiles at mainstream music like Eminem.) So every morning we listen to these CD's and he dances/sometimes makes weird sounds that I think are his way of singing so far. Kinda fun.

Walking

I can now say that my little son is walking! I consider him a full walker now that he can actually sand himself up from a crawling/sitting position and begin to walk. In a way he looks smaller to me than before. When he was crawling he looked like a big crawler, but now that he's walking I think to myself, "how odd that that little body can move just like mine."

Nixon decided that he likes bananas today. He's the worlds pickiest eater. And up until today hated bananas, but today we ate half a banana together and he didn't open his mouth with it on his tongue for it to fall off, (which is a new rediculous habit when he does't like the food :) ) It could be the fact that Mama liked the banana and was sharing it with him, I don't know but I wouldn't be suprised with tomorrow he decided he actually didn't like it.

It's funny how you can live in a place of your life and feel like "I wan't and know there's something more for us." and become impatient, but then when things get in motion, you just want to be in that comfortable place again. For so long i've thought to myself, it might be time to move out of Corvallis. I've been looking at apartments, and jobs. And I know it's right around the corner. But today I woke up to a snowy winter wonderland outside the window of my cozy, warm, roomy home and thought, "boy am I glad i dind't miss this." And all of the sudden I find myself holding on to the door for dear life instead of pushing it like I normally do. It's funny how God meets us where we are at and can always find ways to remind us that his plan is a bit bigger than ours.

14 Months

Well my little guy is 1 year and 2 months old! It's so weird to me that so much time has lapsed.
The little man is still crawling and will walk a couple steps. I guess i thought in the walking process that he would just realized he can take steps and then just start walking everywhere, but instead he crawls everywhere with a few steps here and there.

He likes to explore his toys on his own. He's very independent in that way. He needs me in the room or near him but he doesn't need me engaged in the toys, though I like to be for the little fellowship with him. When he plays with his little cars, he likes to make a rumbling sound with his lips. It's s funny because he just picks up on this some where, some how.

He's broadening his appetite. He can pretty much eat anything, but his diet is still a lot of baby food with a lot of crackers and adult food here and there in the day. He still hates vegetables though.

He is in a phase wehre he likes to drop things into big open areas, like toys down into the bath, things get tossed in the trash, and the hamper. He tossed a toy between mivhaels legs into the toilet while he was using the restroom the other day.

He also likes glancing at you from different positions like tilting his head to the side or looking over and under things to look at you.

On another note, we are looking at relocating withing the year, but the process has been a lot harder than we expected, We are praying a lot, that God will open doors but just waiting. So fingers crossed.

Nixon is a year and a month

My littleolder he gets, the more i fall in love with him. baby boy is turing into just a tiny little man. Oh and the older he gets the more I fall in love with him. he has so much personality, yet he's still so small and babyish. It's adorable. He hasn't started crawling yet, so even though he's getting taller, and leaner, and so much more mentally develouped, he's still my baby because he's still a crawler, not quite a toddler to me.

He talks all the time. Well i should say tries very very hard, and babbles. He's always pointing and saying things like "eesh ba ba dis ma ma da da ish." He also has times where he repeats little sounds you say, and it's so funny.

H's figuring out little things too and it blows me away how smart he's becoming. He waves remotes around in front of the tv thinking that that's how you change things on t.v. He will take phones and rest them on his shoulder because that's what he sees us do.

He's becoming more cuddly and recently more needy. He will crawl to another room but look for you to follow, when you do, he usually will crawl to your feet and pull on your pant legs and lift his arms for you to pick him up. The minute he's picked up his little finger pops out and his arm straightens out to point at somehting for you to take him to see. So fucute. When he's tired, he will come over and lay his head on you for a few seconds, or he will find somehting soft and lay his head on it and stare at you with a big smile.

He is such a charmer. He' loves to dance/bounce anytime he's aware of music. He smiles and says hi at people all the time when we are out. Everyone always comments on his smile and how much teeth he has.

I told michael today that when we were married the 1st couple years i remember thinking this is the best, it can't get better than this, little did i know how without our life was till now. This sweet little boy is such a blessing even when he's tired and dissobedient, he's still such a sweet and cute little boy. God has blessed me so much with such a sweet and loving husband and adorable little babyl

Perfect morning

Well it's almost 7 in the morning and my little peanut is crawling around the house while our bible verse CD is playing, i'm blogging and michael is laying around/playing with our little boy. I can't help but think this morning couldn't get more perfect.

Nixon has become quite the established crawler. He goes everywhere. It's so fun to watch his choices in where he wants to go. During the day when i go into different rooms he follows me.

He loves to pull himseelf up on everything.

He's been eating lots of puffs (which are like crackers.) He had his first cheerios today which went well.

He has started also dancing...sorta. Any time music comes on, he starts scooting his hips back and forth whether he is sitting or in a crawl position. It's pretty fun.

We got a new entertainment center so most of our "no no" areas are got, which is so much more liberating for us all. Less disapline, and more freedom.

Nixon's birthday is coming soon, and I can't believe it's already been a year. We have been so blessed by this little munchkin. I feel like even if I said thank you everyminute for everyday for Nixon it still wouldn't capture my gratitude for having him in my life.

Crawling

So I am so proud to say my son is a crawler. I was a little worried because I had talked to numerous moms that had told me that thier child crawled at 7, 8, 9 months and a few at 11. But I was feeling that for the most part most babies seemed to be crawling at 8 or 9 months. At around 6 months Nixon looked like he was so close to crawling, he was up on his arms and he'd pull his legs in. I was convinced he would be crawling soon. There was a week that I said to myself, I have to be very involved this week because I think this will be the week he crawls. But then he just seemed to be stuck in that state. He would slightly progress each month, like bring his stomach way off the ground, then he started doing the plank, pulling his knees off the ground and butt in the air. Then he started pushing on his legs to go forward but pushing back with his arms and scooting backwards. He scooted back for about 2 months. It started to feel like he was never going to crawl.
Then I started second guessing everything like, "Am I a bad mother? Is he slow? Is this because he watched Nemo so much when he was younger and that TV time stunted his fine motor skills? Is this because he doesn't get a lot of breast milk and is mostly formula fed?" All these questions started pouring into the back of my mind. I told the doctor that he wasn't crawling and he seemed fine with it. When I told others, I knew logically that every baby has his own time line. But since it was my baby, I was just so worried. Plus I read on babycenter.com the things that my baby should be doing, and I just felt like he wasn't caring to do them. For example, the said your baby should be pulling himself up (like in his crib,) he should be clapping, he might wave, he's probably crawling. All these "should be's" that Nixon wasn't doing.
Then a week ago, he took his first crawl. I realized that it seemed like Nixon had been afraid to move his arms forward, like he might fall. So I decided I would "stunt" him like they do in cheerleading, and pull his arms forward while he was pushing his legs and holding him. Then he realized the concept of pulling forward with his arms. And he magically seemed to understand. So he started crawling officially on Sat, Oct 2nd. And it was while he was still 9 months! I also remembered (while i was tlaking to my friend Kelsey at work) that they say if your baby was born 4 weeks early, you expect them to do the things that a baby 4 weeks younger would do because they came out early but aren't as developed as being 4 weeks older. So I realized that if I took 2 weeks off of his age, he seemed perfectly on time to me.

So after conquering crawling, he seemed to do everything else in the same week. He started pulling himself up in his crib to the standing position. A couple days after crawling, he learned to go from crawling to the sitting position. He started sitting and clapping too. It was such a blessing. Now I don't worry about his growth because he definately proved that he is fine and just has his own time clock. God definately washed my fears away.

We are leaving to California in about 2 weeks and I was so scared that we would take him down and he wouldn't be crawling. But I'm so excited because now Nixon is crawling so well. Plus he is so so so much fun at this stage. Its so fun to see Nixon crawl to what he wants and what he's curious about. To see his little personality come through. My parents are going to have so much fun with him I think. I know I always say this but this is my favorite stage. because he's doing so much on his own and showing us more of his personality but he's also still in baby form. not a toddler yet.

almost 9 months

So around the 4th of July a family friend of the Langs came to visit named the Izenbieiz (i don't know how to spell that) family. they had a daughter that was 9 months old. I was talking with the dad saying, everyone one says the first months are the hardest, but i'm finding that they just keep to keep getting just a little bit harder. He told me, just wait till 9 months. When our daughter became 9 months, everything became easy sailing. I kept that in my heart and went about life. And recently since Nixon is almost 9 months I have revisited that conversation, and I'm finding him to be completely right. Things are so easy. Ever since he has been able to sit up well on his own, life has slowed down to a wonderful pace.

Nixon can play on his own, and i don't have to assist him in everything. He seems to be learning so much quicker also because there isn't has much help, he's grabbing life on his own, with love and superviision of course. I love this stage, because he's still very babyish, but so responsive and fun. For all the work the fisrt 7-8 months were, this is like a honemoon. We just enjjoy each other and the funny things Nixon does. We communicate more. He copies some things that we do. He laughs all the time. He cries when he fall backwards from sitting cuz it scares him, but i get to comfort him and make it all better.

A few days ago at my work, i took nixon, another girl held him and talked with the residents. he got separation anxiety and started to cry. It sounds silly, but i've been waiting for that. I love that he's such a personable baby, but i've been wanting to be like "the one" for him. So i'm a little excited.

He had his first playdate yesterday. It was funny to watch him have to share his toys with another baby. He did well though. I was just nervouse since he's so grabby that he would grab his friend's hair or somehting. He really only went for Theo's feet.

he also did his first gernerous thing to me a couple days ago. he was munching a foot and handed it to me, and started to munch on the other. Something little but big in my book. :)

7 and a half months old

I feel like every month, I say to myself, "oh this has got to be my favorite months of Nixon so far." So once again...THIS IS MY FAVORITE MONTH so far.

After about 4 months, Nixon's personality has really started to show through. He smiles at everything. At about 5 months, we heard his first real laugh. It sounds like a squeeky toy. Its so cute. I've noticed that Michale and I are really taking on the roles of mom and dad. Nixon sleeps with me in bed, he snuggles with me, and i can tell he just feels at ease with me. But when michael gets home, nixon gets so excited. He laughs for michael a lot more than he does with me. it's pretty cute.

At our six month check up, i realized we had been doing a lot of tummy time with nixon but not really working on getting him to sit up, so frantically i tried to have him sit (like all the time.) and he picked it up so fast. Now he sits up on his own as if it's what he's always done. he's so cute when he sits up because his round belly gets all squished forward and his neck is finally visible. :)

He's easily distracted and happy while he is sitting. But he still has this thing, that i have to be close by. if i walk out, he starts crying, but if i'm just there reading or whatever, he's fine. it's so funny, yet sometimes frusterating.

Nixon has 6 teeth now. his two bottom ones and 4 half teeth on top. they aren't quite full teeth yet. But he has the sweetest big grin, and i love seeing those 6 teeth.

It's been really hot here, so i typically leave nixon in just a diaper, or a onesie with his legs exposed. I love it, because baby skin is just so sweet and soft.

we started feeding nixon baby food. He loves banana's. Not really a fan of squash, or anyhting apple, but we still try it alot to get him used to it. About a week ago, he had his first solid poop. I was really excited.

I feel like time is flying by, but he's not growing as fast as i feared. So that's good. Every little thing is so important with him and such an accomplishment. he's always talking (well making sounds.) I just can't wait till momma or dada comes out or he crawls. That day will make my heart explode i think.

Retirement Home

Well it's been a long time since I blogged. The reason I was reminded today was because Nixon was extra adorable at the Retirement Home that i work at. I had to go for a staff meeting and had to bring him since no one could watch him. He started to get a little fussy so i had to stand with him, then i had to walk with him, then I had to actually walk to different parts of the building to keep him occupied. I brought him to the residents and they LOVED him. It was so neat to see this side of the residents. I only see them at night when they are tired and I have to change them, but it was so sweet to see them so excited. The all got giant smiles and just wanted to touch him. And my sweet little Nixon was smiling at all of them and showing off his two big boy teeth. He was so sweet, getting excited and kicking his feet everytime i brought him to a new resident. I was so proud to be his mom. I know it made the residents feel so good. Nixon blessed them in ways he will never know.
In and out of our walks i would sit with Nixon and he would just look around so curiously and smile and laugh with me. He was just so cute. I realized Nixon is everything I dreamed and hoped he would be when i imagined him and he was in my womb, but he's so so so much more. I can't express how much i love this little one.

New things that he has accomplished this month. He has two teeth. He grew his first one on Matthew's birthday, April 26th, and his second one on my birthday May 12th, it was so funny and random. I discovered a freckle on his belly 4 days ago, on june 4th, 2 days before he became 6 months old. He pushes himself up completely on his arms and lookes so close to crawling. i can get him to sit up hunched over for a couple minutes before he topples over. Everyday, his "sitting" becomes stronger and stronger. He holds his bottle (not super steady but pretty well.) And when we nap together, he doesn't fight me. Oh and my favorite, he loves to stand up. We say "yaaaaay" and he smiles so big because he's so proud of himself. I love seeing that round little body supported by two tiny little feet. it's adorable. He really is such a sweet blessing.

Nixon today

So Nixon has gone through so many changes, some things he just started doing recently, some things, he's been doing for a while. But I want to capture in writing what he is like right now.

Nixon is kinda chubby. He has these adorable full cheeks and lost of little rolls everywhere. When he wakes up and i put him on the changing table, he does this big stretch where he pins his arms straight down on his sides, and stretches is legs straight out (where you can see cottage cheese on his thighs) and seperates all of his toes and he pushes out his belly while arching his back. it's so cute.

I've just started doing "chill bumps" all over his arms and legs. It's so cute, he stretches out his arms and legs when i start like saying "please more all over." I love it.

He still only has a little tuft of hair on his lower back part of his head.

We feel one tooth right under the gums on the right front of his mouth.

He is very good at staying on his stomach, and lifting his chest and his arms. He is turning over to his back but not from his back to his stomach. He does tummy time for about 5-10 minutes before he gets tired and starts plopping his head on his hands. If i leave him, he kicks his legs and it looks like he is so close to crawling. He loves laying on our chest and staring at us. He just smiles. I love it. I lift his little body up and down (like chest presses) and when he comes down, i kiss him. He love it, after every kiss, he makes a giant open mouthed gummy smile.

He has been eating a ton. He eats about 4 ounces every 1 1/2 to 2 hours. If we give him 8 ounces every 4 hours, he gets hungry, so we just give him little amounts a lot and it helps with him not spitting up so much.

He's been fighting us with sleep. If he's aware he's going to sleep, he gets so upset. When we put him in the "go to sleep position" he gets so upset and wiggles, and pulls away from his pacifier, but if we are persistant, he will get pooped out and give in and his eyes roll back and he's asleep. When he's tired, you can't even put him on his back or he assumes you are trying to put him to sleep and gets upset. We have been trying to get him to cry himself to sleep. After he cries a little while, i'll give him a bottle because a lot of time he get's all dried out, and that usually does the trick in getting him to sleep. Last night, he was awake in his bassinet when we went to sleep. He gave out some frusterated cries for a couple minutes, i put a pacifier in his mouth, and he was up for about 15 minutes sucking his hands. And then he fell asleep, without anymore crying. It was really amazing. I am scared to take him on a plain to california because of his fighting when he's tired. I'm afraid he'll get tired and just scream the whole ride. We'll see.

He's grabbing things that are near his hands and grabbing my hair (the opitomy of a baby, pulling hair.) I've been reading books to him and he likes to touch the pages. We just tried this net thing we got from target and put a banana in it, he sucked it (all he could do was taste the banana.) He was so funny, he got very still and concentrated and just stared at me while he tasted it. He seemed to like it.

I love my love bug, he's just so sweet and such a blessing

week in issaquah

So I'm writing from Issaquah washington. Nixon and I came up this weekend with the Langs and stayed at Aunt Kims house for easter. I enjoyed myself so much. I liked having my own room with Nixon too. I realized though, that the more we are with other people, the more I feel disconnected to him. the reason is because I always feel this need to have to share him with everyone so i don't get to really have any time with him to myself. I know i do it to myself, but I just wish I had more of a back bone.

I had been realy good with my diet but it went to shambles this weekend. O well. I will be faithful when i get home. The hotel michael and i are staying at has all you can eat home made cookies all night long, how can i resist! haha.

Nixon is rolling over from his back quite regularly. He' s also grabbing things. Its neat to watch. The only bad thing is he has started grabbing my hair and my dangly earings. ouchies. He's gaining weight but is one incredibly happy baby. my favorite thing he does is he makes his mouth wide open and smiles. it's so cute. I have loved being stuck in a room with him and enjjoying him.

I just feel so blessed to have these two boys in my life.

Almost 6am

It's almost 6am and I just put my sweet little baby to sleep...doesn't that sound wrong? He's been doing this new thing where he wakes up around 3 or 5 in the morning and i feed him and sometimes he will go back to sleep. Well last night he was extra generous with his wake ups and I had to get up with him at 3 and 5 and both times he didn't want to go to bed. Lucky for me, Michael wanted me to sleep with him, I wasn't about to argue with that. I love sleeping with him. Its so sweet to wake up to that little face, and feel his little body moving every time he takes his quick little breaths. Sometimes you can even hear a little sigh here and there, its just the sweetest.

Nixon seems to be right on schedule. I've been reading what to expect the first year and everytime i read the month ahead, when he is close, he seems to be doing everything they say he should be able to do. He can topple over, he can grab things that touch his hands, and he can make a razz sound.

His tummy time is so funny. He still get tired of holding his big head up. So he will keep it up for a little while and then he sinks his face in his hands and smothers it (like he's shy.) its kind of adorable. yesterday he was having a tired moment and crying so i thought i would try tummy time on him. while on his tummy, he would calm down a little, then because he was so tired, he was having a hard time balancing, so he would topple over, and fling his arms all big and his eyes looked so scared and he would just cry. I couldn't help but laugh because it was so funny to me. We did it a few times.

I noticed during that tummy time and this morning when he was getting tired and wanted to cry. If i smiled at him and spoke in a high pitched voice where he thought it was good, his attitude would immiediately change. Its cool to see him change attitudes according to what he sees in me.

well i would blog longer but i'm exhausted. i'm going to sleep...at 6am ha!

Sitting up

Well Nixon isn't quite sitting up on his own or anything, but he absolutely loves sitting up with the assistance of Mom! It started with me playing with him as he lay on his back, then I moved him to his tummy so he could have a little tummy time. He always seems to get enhausted on his tummy and complains, but I think to myself "well he has to do something productive other than laying on his back," so we are attempting the sitting position. He's so cute. He wobbles a lot so I have to keep my arms around his chest but he just leans his head back and stares and smiles at me. I love it.

Another thing I've notices is that Nixon is starting to understand how to move his limbs and what makes them do different things. When he sits up he's just so zoned in on his feet. He watches them move for a good 5 uninterrupted minutes. Michael has also been propping the bottle in his hands, and it really seems as if something is connecting there. he seems to enjoy it more that when we try to hold it for him. If we prop the bottle up with a pillow or blanket, he will grab the part close to his face, as if simulating he is holding it.

Michael got a new suit from express today. He looks very handsome. i am really loving my life right now and don't want to take any of it for granted. As I look at our completely messy place, I just feel so lucky to have this open area, and the set up with the walls not going to the cieling is so perfect so i can hear nixon in his room. It's always a good temperature up here. The view is amazing. We live is a sweet little city. I have this completely sexy husband, who is so hard working and a business man, who leaves for work everyday for 8 hours so i can stay home with the sweetest little baby. Nixon is so adorable. His smiles, his little weekly achievements, his new rolls, his little tears, they are all just so sweet. The Lord is definately blessing me with wonderful season in my life.

Recently i've been feeling a lack of spitirtual growth in the area of fellowship. I just feel that at our church, our friends that are our age just want different things in life. i just met up with a gal named Kayla and she goes to a different church with a moms group that i want to start going to. I was recently reading a blog of a girl who is a young and newly married, she's into fashion and interior design, and while i really do love both those things, I just feel like those were things i unsed to be consumed in, and now I am content with the way our place is designed because it's perfect for us, but i'm not really on the look out for the next best thing...unless in comes to something Nixon is doing. And i used to really want people to want to be like me, but now i feel so past that. i used to show off certain things, but now I just want people to love our little family and to not feel at any point intimidated by us (like i used to want) but just welcome and at ease. I think I will find moms that want those things too. I am slowly grasping miniscule amounts of what it means to have your eyes on the things of heaven and not of earth. I am just hungry for fellowship with other women who have kindred spirits in this area.

My boys are asleep so i should be going to bed too. Goodnight

toppling over

Well as of the last time I wrote we have had a few (little to the world but big to us) achievements. The first major one is that Nixon can push himself up while laying on his belly, he gets his rythm going a little and then can sort of roll/topple over to his back. Its pretty cute to watch cuz when he land on his back sometimes he startles himself and has giant eyes.

The second achievements comes from after the last blog I wrote. I was complaining about nursing. My mom read my blog, because she's my only reader, and called me. I knew she would want to talk about nursing and I really didn't want to talk about it because it's such a sore subject in my mind, but something in me was telling me to be patient and listen. She said I might want to try nursing with out a shield, (which almost always is the last thing i want to hear, because even more than being fed up with nursing, i'm even more sad that i can't nurse my baby on just my bare chest like normal women, but something was different today.) Somehting in me was telling me to take it in, take down the wall in my heart and listen. She said that now that Nixon is old and his mouth is a little different he might actually nurse. I said "maybe" but in my heart thought "probably not." I decided i would try withouth the shield at a time he wasn't really hungry because sometimes when he's hungry, he gets so upset that anything that could stress him out a little, ends up stressing him out a lot and I knew he would kind of freak out. So that night I got up with him for some reason, it wasn't a feeding time, and decided "what the heck, i'll just try it now" so i tried to nurse him (having really low expectation) but low and behold, he nursed. It was only for about 5 minutes till he realized something was weird and stopped but it was a wonderful 5 minutes none the less. So having a little more encouragement, the next day I tried again. this time I was able to nurse him for a good 15 minutes before he fell asleep. We are still working on this, but it's just so encouraging. I can feed my own baby! I feel like climbed some giant step of motherhood.

This morning I woke up to Nixon cooing in bed. It was one of the cutest things ever. I usually wake up to him crying because he's hungry. I pick him up and jet to the fridge to get a bottle to heat up. But this morning I woke up to "agooooo"...."agoooo" (with little coughs here and there because we are both getting over a flemmy cough sickness.) It was just so sweet. I picked him up and went to make him a bottle just waiting for him to bust into tears at any moment. He just snuggled up into my chest and was looking around while prepared his bottle. What a great start to the day. After feeding him, i went to burp him and he kept nuzzling his head into my shoulder and rubbing his eyes so I thought i would put him back into his crib because he might be tired. (I wasn't quite sure what he wanted.) Usually if he goes to bed when he's not completely sleepy, he'll cry, but i put him down and he was sucking his hands. I gave him a pacifier instead and did my usual "go to sleep routine" and he was still awake, so i left him thinking "if he's awake he'll cry and i'll come in and get him and play with him, if he's tired, he'll go to sleep. Then while blogging, I hear all these slurping sounds because he's obviously ditched the pacifier and is back to sucking on his hands, but no crying. And as i blog, the sounds stop, and I'm pretty sure he's back to sleep. This has been the easiest non stressful morning ever!

We are leaving for washington today as a family. We are all going to a place calle Snowquamie which is close to Seatle. We are visiting Cheryl's sister and family, Aunt Kim and Uncle Scott. I'm excited to travel with Nixon and be somewhere new with him. Plus Michael is going to let me sleep with him, which I have been wiening us off of a little bit. I still sleep with him but not as much because Michael doesn't want him getting attatched. But for a coulple days I get to sleep with my snuggle muffin and i'm excited. It will be a short, fun trip i think :)

3 months old

Nixon is officially 3 months old. When i think about it, it seems like a huge milestone and he's growing so fast. But then i think about when he's going to be 6 months old which seems like the next big mileston and I think, his whole life up to this point has to be relived to get to that milestone. H'es only lived a whole 3 months and that's how many more days he has to get through to get to 6 and it calms me down. I don't feel like time is flying in that perspective.

I feel like Nixon is just getting chubbier and a teeny bit longer, but i feel like his incredible changes week to week are slowing down, almost coming to a stand still. I don't feel like I have to strain to keep my eyes open because if i blink he will have drastically changed again and i will have missed it.

I think it's because his face (like future adult face) is finally coming through. Past the sweet chubby cheeks, nixon's eyes have grown into the shape of Michaels. The come together in a little downward crease when he smiles. They aren't swollen looking anymore. His little lips are making giant smiles and yesterday for the first time I heard a little giggle. It was just one or two little chuckles that turned into a kind of forced smiley groan but it was a giggle none the less. His body is finally into the clothes size that he should be into, and he doesn't seem to by flying through those sizes to the next like he was doing. he was born at such a small size that he could only wear preemie clothes, then after about a month, he was into newborn clothes (when most newborns can only wear newborn clothes for a couple weeks and at 1 month are in 0-3's.) At about 2 months he was finally into 0-3s. He still in 0-3's but he's also fitting into a few 3-6's. he's catching up to all the other babies and their sizing. It's kind of exciting. Before, when changing him, i would look at him and think to myelf (how old is he...) and then choose the size down from that. So if he was newborn, i had to put him in preemie, at 1or 2 months i had to put him in newborn, but now i say "how old is he" and i get to try that size outfit on him. Its fun, i feel like we accomplished something.

One thing that crackes me up about Nixon growing up, is the things he gets upset with seem to change so here come mom and dad trying to figure out how to sooth these things like little detectives. So as i said he cries when he hungry, tired, or a poopy diaper. Occasionally when he needs to burp and wants to play and we want to sleep. The over the shoulder patting works sometimes but we've found the bouncing on the knee seems to be efffective and apparently it's Nixon new favorite thing. So when he cries, we try it, and it almost always works. I have even been able to get him to fall asleep that way. He gets tired and wants to sleep but wont let himself and cries, we have now found that another way to make him sleep with out using the hair drier is putting a soft blanket around his head, there's something about it that makes him fall asleep, along with the car seat. We have also discovered the TV. He apparently loves the TV. When he was to play and i want to sleep, i stick him in front of the TV in his car seat and he's happy as a bug for about an hour. it's pretty cute.

We have started a little routine when michael goes to work. It used to be that michael would leave, nixon would cry and i would have to run through all the things that make him cry and try to fix them like feed him, then burp him, then change his diaper, then try to play, and then try to burp him again, Id finally get to sleep again about 2 hours later and by that time it's like 10 so i only want to sleep for like an hour so my day doesn't seem waisted. but recently we get up, sometimes i feed him (depending on when he ate last,) i burp him and change him, then he goes in front of the t.v in his car seat while i sleep on the couch, then about a half hour later, he's over stimulated and wants to sleep so we rest for a couple hours on the couch. It's awesome for right now.

Nursing...depressing. Ever since Nixon was born, I've had to use a nipple sheild because my nipples are too flat to nurse without it. I've had hopes that nursing enough or pumping enough would make them come out more so Nixon would have something to latch on to. but every time I try to get him to latch on with out the shield he can't do it, get's frusterated and cries. I would feel like such a failure that i would go back to the shield and hold off on trying for a while till i was emitionally ready to be let down again. Well all shields are pretty gigantic compared to regular bottle nipples. I still nurse here and there like every other day, but Nixon still falls asleep while nursing and doesn't get enough to eat and I end up pumping out the rest anyways. Recently though, he's been sucking the shield really weird like it's too big of a nipple and he doesn't know how to attempt it anymore. the last couple of times he's stopped eating pulled his head back and tried to readjust a few times and gets frusterated and sometimes cries. The last time I nursed him, milk kept leaking out of the side of his mouth. I'm afraid that our nursing days are coming to an end. I wish he could figure out how to suck the shield again, but it seems pointless to try and work at this when he falls asleep anyways. I'm still going to try here and there like i have been, but i think closing the door in my heart in this area is going to maybe make is hurt less emotionally as he struggles with nursing. I do wish i was just like every other mom that can just put a hooter hider on, bust out a breast and nurse her baby anywhere but I just can't. At times i feel like a nursing failure and want to cry, but i try to tell myself that i tried my best and this is just the body God gave me, flat nipples and all. All i can say, is thank God for the pump and the woman who lent me hers because I don't know where we would be with out it...p.s. Nixon is eating 6to 7 ounces a feeding period (like 4 hours apart) that just seems so crazy to me that he's growing that much.

well i just fed him and its 3:15 in the morning. he stopped making his little adjitated sleeping sounds and it sounds like he's into his deep sleep so i'm giong to try to go sleep myself. Goodnight