Recent tragedies

I know the title isn't a real "ooh that sounds fun to read" but I typically blog to somewhat journal what's going on in my life and to write down my feelings so later on I have something physical and tangible to remember what life was like for me then.
  First I want to talk about my dear friend Kelsey and her sweet son Theo who passed away a year and a half ago. As some people know, the trial to sentence her killer was last week. It's amazing to me how almost everyday something reminds me of Kelsey and Theo and I'm sad they are gone. Sometimes it's just a feeling of pain in my gut and other times its full blown tears. But I tend to live my life normally for the most part knowing that they are existing right now in a much better place and the only one who is sad is me wishing they were here to be with me. But with the trial being here, all of the sudden I was knocked back down to where I was a year and a half ago, feeling a gaping whole in my stomach all the time. All day feeling a cloud of deep depression and despair hanging over me. And so I went to go visit their grave. And it was amazing how calming it was for me. It truly felt like there was an essence of them still there. And when I touched their grave plates I felt a bit of comfort like I was so much closer to them. I didn't know Kelsey for that long but she was a best friend for me in the time I needed one. She was a light. I have never met someone as genuinely happy and silly as her. And Theo was so much like his mom. Just a sweet sweet baby. I was hoping our friendship would last forever. So it was deviating when they left this earth and I can honestly only imagine the pain of those who knew her for her whole life. Those who knew more of the two of them and experienced them more and were more connected to the two and how these people's pain must have been exponentially greater than mine.
  And then Monday came (the day of the sentencing.) I was glad I couldn't actually be in court because I didn't know how I would feel to see the person responsible for selfishly taking their precious lives. Even seeing pictures taken of him from behind made me feel nauseous. And I waiting eagerly to find out what happened. I was checking the Internet hourly to see what happened. He wasn't going to be given the death penalty because he had plead guilty in September, then the case was delayed an hour due to negotiations. And it was over, he was sentenced. He was given life in prison with a chance of perole after 50 years.
  and this is how I feel about it. I've been pretty quiet about the whole thing because I don't really want to run my mouth and shame her or her family in any way and I don't really want to focus on the criminal at all. But I was pretty disappointed. I was disappointed about a lot of thing. I feel like the judicial system let them down. When it's was the only thing to somewhat give justice to Kelsey and theo beyond the grave it failed. I don't understand how someone who caused death to two people can get out of being penalized his own death. Just because someone owns up to their own sin doesn't make it less of a sin calling for less of a punishment. I read that there was some discrepancy on if he should serve the time for the crime consecutively or concurrently. that just drives me mad! If he served them concurrently, he would just be serving one sentence. There shouldn't even be an argument about it. That's what it is. It would be saying one life lost didn't matter. There should never have even been an argument against him serving them consecutively at all.
  Then I saw that there was great attention given to the character of this man. Who cares! This wasn't an accident. It was a planned out act. He planned to kill them and did. It doesn't matter if he seemed nice he apparently always had the capacity to kill. And why should that even matter, a child is punished for disobeying regardless of how sweet they are. So a criminal should be charged according to their crime, not their character. I don't see how someone who stole two innocent lives should ever be given the possibility of having a normal life, even if it is after 50 years of jail. I'm glad there is closure in the fact that what's done is done but I am disappointed in the end. I just hope that now that this is settled people don't forget about Kelsey and Theo. I'm afraid that since there isn't anymore to the story for a lot of people that they will go on with their normal lives but honestly when those two people left this world, they took part of it with them and left us with a hole. Please, everyone who was touched by this, please hold on to any memory of the two of them that you have and let them still live on that way.
  Now on to the elementary shooting that happened a couple days ago. I will say, I was saddened but wouldn't really let myself focus on it too much. Then last night it all sunk in. I was on Facebook and when I actually saw those precious faces, I just lost it. Giant tears started rolling down my face and it soon turned into an ugly cry. Luckily I was alone so I could just let my feelings out with out feeling like I had to hold back. When I could see each face I could see my little Nixon. I was flooded with thoughts about how they were probably silly. How she probably liked princesses. How each of them probably already had gifts that their parents purposefully and excitedly bought for them in anticipation for what they would do on Christmas in excitement when opening the preasants. These children were all someone's baby in the beginning of their lives like my Maddox is to me right now. Their parents were excited to see their heart beats in the womb. Each one had a unique and special story as to how they were delivered. Each one cuddled and felt comfort in their parents arms. Their parents watched them as they slept, took joy in all of their milestones ; rolling over, sitting up, their first steps. They all had mannerisms and quirks unique to them. And it was just a normal day. Everything was like always for those parents until the event. And all I could think was how those parents must have just wished they could go back to the day before when they lived in a world that their babies existed, where they didn't know their baby was gone forever. I can't think of a worse feeling.
  But then I read the stories about the adults. And though it didn't make the pain and sadness go away for the families who lost something immeasurable, it was a piece of beauty in something that seemed so infinitely horrible. I read about the principle who lunged at the attacker losing her life to protect those angels. Even though I have no ties to her, a sense of pride comes over me, instead of feeling embarrassed of my humanity (being tied to the shooter through the fact that I too am a human,) I find pride in it because of heroes like her. I read about the 27year old teacher who hid her children in cupboards and closets and told the shooter they were in the gym, losing her life for her protection of the children and I feel this sense of complete gratitude towards her. She was practically my age and I can't help but think I would be like her if I was caught in that situation. I read about a teacher hiding in the bathroom with her students afraid they would die, spending the time in the stalls telling them how special they are so that would be the last thing they heard instead of horror and shooting. What beautiful people these adults were. Heroes in every essence of the word. Bringing honor to their families beyond the grave.
  It's such a deeply emotional event and I'm so tired of people immediately making it about themselves, if they are going to lose their right to bear arms. Can't you just relax and give those people the honor and respect they deserve. Can't you grieve with the families instead of talking about your political views. With that said, it kind of forces my hand. I never think we should alter the Declaration of Independence for ourselves due to one situation. So I do think its important to weigh that we are given the right to bear arms. However I'm so tired of hearing people who want to keep their guns saying "it's not guns that kill people, it's people." Everybody knows that. However if a child is given a knife and cuts someone's finger, the child is responsible but they should have never had access to the knife. People that are mentally unstable should never have access to guns in the same way. If the nation could find a way to make sure that those who aren't "qualified" so to speak absolutely will never have access to a weapon so sever as a gun, then so be it. That would be perfect. But I feel like if we can't ensure that, it's better to take it all away because you'd better be safe than sorry. I know there are so many benefits to guns but I feel that the risk of lives being taken is much higher and irreversible. When Nixon is around Maddox and wants to play with something that inappropriate for a 6month old because Maddox could choke on it. Both of them aren't allowed to play with it because of the possible danger. I hope we can find a system so that those who are qualified to bear arms can, and we can keep our rights while the option isn't at all available for those who shouldn't.
  But I feel like that's not for us to decide. As civilians it's our place to stand with those families and mourn with them. To pray for them, to love them as a nation. I feel like every post positive or negative about guns is one post wasted that could have been used to lift up those families and children instead. I hate reading them because that's time that I just spent focusing on that aspect instead of thinking about these preciousn babies and heroines.
  May God trusty bless America  right now in our time of mourning. That said there is a time for every season and I truely believe this is a time of mourning the lost and being thankful for and loving the ones you have. Tomorrow come what may.

The Rollercoster of Life

It's been a while since i've updated the blog because life has just blown in like a ghust of wind from all sides raising and dishoveling everything close to me, some good, some hard, some painful.

1st, we moved into our new apartment, which I am loving. Unpacking has been stressful just because it always is, but I've enjoyed redecorating. Not only do i love our little place, but I love where we are located. I told Michael recently, I live a life of inner turmoil, I love and hate Corvallis so passionately. I'll explain some of this later. But I really do love corvallis. Our apartment is in town now, so Nixon and I can practically walk anywhere. It's so green and beautiful around our apartment, and since corvallis is such a family oriented city, there's plenty of parks close by for the little guy and I to enjoy.

On the other hand I hate Corvallis right now. Those who follow my facebook know that a couple weeks ago, I lost one of my newest and best friends and her little son. I work at night at a Senior Living Center for Alzheimers patients. It has it's ups and downs, but one of my very favorite things about working there was Kelsey Baker. From the first night we started working together we hit it off. Not only did we have semi similar lives, with our work and babies, but I truely enjoyed her company. Of all people I've known, there have been a handful, that I never get enough of because I'm so happy when i'm with them. When we weren't spending eight hours of work talking, and laughing together, we were getting lunch or having playdates together. Nixon and I couldn't get enough of Kelsey and Theo. But a few weeks ago, they were stolen away from this life. I've been dealing with emotions up the wazoo. Sometimes i just want to laugh at some of my memories and sometimes I want to just cry and sleep because a world without Kelsey and Theo is definately lacking. So I hate Corvallis, because not only does it seem like there's something missing to me, but somedays everything seems to remind me that they were snatched from life and I will never be able to enjoy them again.

Luckily right after this happened, my parents flew up for a trip that was pre planned. It couldn't have come at a better time. It was a time of relaxation, emotional rehab, long needed family fellowship. I forget just how much I miss my family until I see them (if that even makes sense.) It's just so beautiful to see my dad squeezing Nixon in his arms. And when I'm conversing with my mom, I just feel a sense of "home." I had such a wonderful time during their visit.

Then I came back to real life after my vacation from it. I had my first day of work without Kelsey. It pretty much consisted of me feeling fine when i was talking with my co-workers, but then left to myself, internally fighting with every inch in me, not to let my watery eyes drop one tear. Literally, my neck was sore at the end of the night from clenching it the whole time in order to not cry. For some reason I felt this burden not to act like anything was wrong or missing because it would make others feel awkward. Meanwhile Michael's work had become a big dishoveled mess too. Tw0 people out of his 3 person sales department left. Needles to say, stress is at an all time high in certain parts of our lives...

And then I look at mr. Nixon, and everything seems to not be as bad. No pain or sorrow in my life seems to compare to the joy God gives me daily through that little muffin. Each evening, I find myself cuddled up in Michaels nook on the couch watching Nixon run around and our world seems right again. I don't know how we got so lucky to be entrused by God to take care of this beautiful, joyful child while on this earth.

I have truely found the Lord to be my rock, and Michael to be my stablity on the rock, to catch me when I falter, and Nixon to be my added joy to make the tough stuff not seem so impossible.

p.s. Nixon is just eating up knowlege right now. He says so many funny words that aren't quite right and it makes me melt. Like when I change his diaper he says "pu pu" which is his way of saying poo poo. I ask him what his name it and he says "Nishin." He's always finding brushes and brushing his hair, or finding shovels and spoons and pretending to eat, and afterwards going "mmmm." He's been going down for naps so much better too, and now when he wakes up, on the moniter I hear, bu bye, hi, and giggles. :) WHAT A BLESSING HE IS~

the Madness that was March

Well in the month of march, things have just seemed so busy. Mad Mad Madness I tell you.

Michael and I have been really feeling in our heart that it was time to move into a new place. We love our home now but its a little far from "town" and it doesn't have a stove. I've really been wanting to take on cooking again. It's been weiging on my heart, especially with Nixon growing and needing real meals, I've been craving a kitchen of my own. So for that last couple months, I've been looking at places in Corvallis, almost daily and becoming very discouraged. I didn't want to move to anywhere with less square footage and our place was pretty big. Two bedrooms was a must. I wanted nice cabinetry and preferred 2 bathrooms, in a good part of town. And it all had to be in our price range In my search, I found craigslist fraud up the wazoo, most places had less square footage, or the indsides just wouldn't work for a toddler. But we finally found a complex, 1 min outside of town, bigger than our place now, on the lake, and (wait for it...) there's two bathrooms. I'm so excited. So last month, i was going crazy filling out applications to places, and this month is going to be crazy with moving.

Nixon is doing so much. He had his dr.s appointment and was told he had "above average vocabulary." This was such a blessing, because I've secretly been insecure about Nixon's timing of things. I knew a lot of people who had babies that called around 7 months, but Nixon started crawling at the end of 9 months. I remember the day he started crawling, i was so excited, and we went to Michael's work celebrating, only for a woman to say "oh he's 9 months, is he walking, My friends baby who is 9 months is working on walking." It totally crushed my high. Then when it came to walking, I knew a lot of people who's babies walked at 1 year. Nixon started walking at about 13 or 14 months. Everyone said that he was right on schedule, but i couldn't help but feel like he was "slow." So for the doctor to say his vocabulary was above average was such an answer to prayer. It doesn't make me feel like he's at all advanced, but finally right on schedule. I think if he said Nixon was average, I would have felt like "yeah but he was late on the other stuff, so he's still kind of slow." but since he's a little ahead, i feel like it made up for the crawling and walking and he's just perfectly average!

He's doing so much. Cracking his own jokes. He blows kisses, gives hugs, scrunches his hand to wave, he says bu bye. He says "heh oh" which is hello. It really is just so fun. He's almost completely wiened off of a bottle. He only uses it before bed time but he's finally taken to sippy cups. And he can eat anything. I'm sorry this is a boring post, i just had to write it to document our family :)

Apples and Re-Visited Toys

So recently while Nixon and I were at the grocery store, we were in the produce section and I stumbled across something amazing in my own little Mommy world. Baby sized apples!!! I've been trying really hard to get Nixon to eat adult food, so when he's older, I'm not having to blend or cut food up special for Nixon. Sorry, but I'm not sending my child to school with a baby food sack lunch. So Nixon and I have been sharing real fruit, sometimes babanas, sometimes pears, and sometimes apples. I eat them whole with Nixon. And at times I'll give Nixon his own whole apple to hold in his hands to eat, but it's just kind of pitiful to watch those tiny hands try to hold the giant apple. So I bought these baby sized apples. Oddly enough they cost more than regular sized apples but it was worth the difference. Nixon was so happy with his Nixon sized apple. He just looks like a little "big person." Another thing I'm learning as a Mom is the fickle mind of growing babies/toddlers when it comes to toys. Nixon will love a toy for a couple days and then he won't touch it for weeks. I'll put it in front of him and he'll just toss it aside. Then all of the sudden he will rediscover it later and it will be the best thing ever that day. He has three large tubs of toys in random spots in our home. He'll dive into the same one consistantly for a week and ignore the other two. Then the next week, that tub might as well not exhist and his only concern will be the next tub. So last night Michael and I were sitting on the couch talking while Nixon was doing his own thing over by his toys (which really means taking toys out of the box and placing them all over the house and then focusing on one toy.) All of the sudden he starts crying. He is leaned over his box, sifting through the box crying. I thought he might have smashed his finger, or lost his balance and maybe teetered into the box a little. Michael went over there and started laughing. He said "oh no, we aren't hurt we just can't get the red piano out." It was just a little humerous moment for the Lang family because I bought this piano for Nixon when he was about 6 months old because he HAD to have it. Then when we brought it home he was less than thrilled for it. Now 9 months later Nixon wants it so bad he's having a meltdown because he can't play with it. Needless to say ALL NIGHT LONG all we heard was the clanging of those four keys over and over.

1st Official Hair Cut

Today I went to get my hair cut by our normal hair stylist, Kristy. She's been cutting Michael's hair since before we were even engaged. Then when we were married I started getting my done by her. She's been there through the pregnancy cutting my hair and after. It was only right to take Nixon to her for his first official hair cut. He's gotten a little trim at home from Michael, but it was time to have his hair cut into a style. I was celebrating because my bald baby finally had enough hair to actually get a real hair cut!

So after I got my hair cut, Nixon got in the big seat. He was so serious and so still through the whole thing (just like how he gets at the doctors when he is checked.) When he was first put in the chair with the cover around his neck, he looked like a tiny floating head amongst a big dark drape. He looked nervous and I was afraid he would just break down crying and there would be no hair cut because his face looked so unsure. But he braved through it.To get him to look down, we used our phones with videos for him to watch. He was quiet the whole time and barely moved his head to peak in the mirror. Kristy kept saying his behavior was "unreal" for someone his age. We were definately proud doting parents today...and of course, he got a phohawk!

Sticks sticks sticks

Nixon's favorite toys this week are sticks! For some reason our bathroom is the temptress of all rooms for Nixon to get into bad things. As if the drawers and cabinet door aren't exciting enough for him, and his new joy found in flushing the toilet over and over aren't tempting enough now the little guy has found the joy of long sticks which are the major body part of the toilet cleaner, the plunger, and the broom (all lovely toys for a child to play with.) So now if i'm not careful while getting ready, I will catch this tiny little guy walking with his belly out front, his bum sticking out back, and his arms in the air waiving around the broom or toilet cleaner, or walking around with the plunger like a walking stick. So hilariously odd. (oh side note, he realized that he can lift the toilet seat himself, so after finding him poking the water with his pointer finger while holding up the toilet seat, we got a toilet lock)

Another small task but big in the eyes of mommy, Nixon can dismount from the couch all on his own. In the past, Michael and I have had to watch Nixon closely while he's on the couch or bed because he would crawl his fastest right to the edge without thinking about the fall after the edge. We've been working on instilling the idea of "turn around, and slowly lower your feet to the ground," which he finally applied today all on his own while we were on the couch. There's something new everyday.

Recently I've been reading in Chronicles 2 about all the different kings who ruled the house of David after him, and how eventhough some followed the Lord, some sons didn't and ruined the kingdom. So I've just beed reminded how important it is to raise Nixon up in the Lord and show him my passion so he will be intrigued too. So I have these little CD's that are a Bible verse a song and Nixon actually really likes it, (he usually cries at worship music and smiles at mainstream music like Eminem.) So every morning we listen to these CD's and he dances/sometimes makes weird sounds that I think are his way of singing so far. Kinda fun.

Walking

I can now say that my little son is walking! I consider him a full walker now that he can actually sand himself up from a crawling/sitting position and begin to walk. In a way he looks smaller to me than before. When he was crawling he looked like a big crawler, but now that he's walking I think to myself, "how odd that that little body can move just like mine."

Nixon decided that he likes bananas today. He's the worlds pickiest eater. And up until today hated bananas, but today we ate half a banana together and he didn't open his mouth with it on his tongue for it to fall off, (which is a new rediculous habit when he does't like the food :) ) It could be the fact that Mama liked the banana and was sharing it with him, I don't know but I wouldn't be suprised with tomorrow he decided he actually didn't like it.

It's funny how you can live in a place of your life and feel like "I wan't and know there's something more for us." and become impatient, but then when things get in motion, you just want to be in that comfortable place again. For so long i've thought to myself, it might be time to move out of Corvallis. I've been looking at apartments, and jobs. And I know it's right around the corner. But today I woke up to a snowy winter wonderland outside the window of my cozy, warm, roomy home and thought, "boy am I glad i dind't miss this." And all of the sudden I find myself holding on to the door for dear life instead of pushing it like I normally do. It's funny how God meets us where we are at and can always find ways to remind us that his plan is a bit bigger than ours.