I know the title isn't a real "ooh that sounds fun to read" but I typically blog to somewhat journal what's going on in my life and to write down my feelings so later on I have something physical and tangible to remember what life was like for me then.
First I want to talk about my dear friend Kelsey and her sweet son Theo who passed away a year and a half ago. As some people know, the trial to sentence her killer was last week. It's amazing to me how almost everyday something reminds me of Kelsey and Theo and I'm sad they are gone. Sometimes it's just a feeling of pain in my gut and other times its full blown tears. But I tend to live my life normally for the most part knowing that they are existing right now in a much better place and the only one who is sad is me wishing they were here to be with me. But with the trial being here, all of the sudden I was knocked back down to where I was a year and a half ago, feeling a gaping whole in my stomach all the time. All day feeling a cloud of deep depression and despair hanging over me. And so I went to go visit their grave. And it was amazing how calming it was for me. It truly felt like there was an essence of them still there. And when I touched their grave plates I felt a bit of comfort like I was so much closer to them. I didn't know Kelsey for that long but she was a best friend for me in the time I needed one. She was a light. I have never met someone as genuinely happy and silly as her. And Theo was so much like his mom. Just a sweet sweet baby. I was hoping our friendship would last forever. So it was deviating when they left this earth and I can honestly only imagine the pain of those who knew her for her whole life. Those who knew more of the two of them and experienced them more and were more connected to the two and how these people's pain must have been exponentially greater than mine.
And then Monday came (the day of the sentencing.) I was glad I couldn't actually be in court because I didn't know how I would feel to see the person responsible for selfishly taking their precious lives. Even seeing pictures taken of him from behind made me feel nauseous. And I waiting eagerly to find out what happened. I was checking the Internet hourly to see what happened. He wasn't going to be given the death penalty because he had plead guilty in September, then the case was delayed an hour due to negotiations. And it was over, he was sentenced. He was given life in prison with a chance of perole after 50 years.
and this is how I feel about it. I've been pretty quiet about the whole thing because I don't really want to run my mouth and shame her or her family in any way and I don't really want to focus on the criminal at all. But I was pretty disappointed. I was disappointed about a lot of thing. I feel like the judicial system let them down. When it's was the only thing to somewhat give justice to Kelsey and theo beyond the grave it failed. I don't understand how someone who caused death to two people can get out of being penalized his own death. Just because someone owns up to their own sin doesn't make it less of a sin calling for less of a punishment. I read that there was some discrepancy on if he should serve the time for the crime consecutively or concurrently. that just drives me mad! If he served them concurrently, he would just be serving one sentence. There shouldn't even be an argument about it. That's what it is. It would be saying one life lost didn't matter. There should never have even been an argument against him serving them consecutively at all.
Then I saw that there was great attention given to the character of this man. Who cares! This wasn't an accident. It was a planned out act. He planned to kill them and did. It doesn't matter if he seemed nice he apparently always had the capacity to kill. And why should that even matter, a child is punished for disobeying regardless of how sweet they are. So a criminal should be charged according to their crime, not their character. I don't see how someone who stole two innocent lives should ever be given the possibility of having a normal life, even if it is after 50 years of jail. I'm glad there is closure in the fact that what's done is done but I am disappointed in the end. I just hope that now that this is settled people don't forget about Kelsey and Theo. I'm afraid that since there isn't anymore to the story for a lot of people that they will go on with their normal lives but honestly when those two people left this world, they took part of it with them and left us with a hole. Please, everyone who was touched by this, please hold on to any memory of the two of them that you have and let them still live on that way.
Now on to the elementary shooting that happened a couple days ago. I will say, I was saddened but wouldn't really let myself focus on it too much. Then last night it all sunk in. I was on Facebook and when I actually saw those precious faces, I just lost it. Giant tears started rolling down my face and it soon turned into an ugly cry. Luckily I was alone so I could just let my feelings out with out feeling like I had to hold back. When I could see each face I could see my little Nixon. I was flooded with thoughts about how they were probably silly. How she probably liked princesses. How each of them probably already had gifts that their parents purposefully and excitedly bought for them in anticipation for what they would do on Christmas in excitement when opening the preasants. These children were all someone's baby in the beginning of their lives like my Maddox is to me right now. Their parents were excited to see their heart beats in the womb. Each one had a unique and special story as to how they were delivered. Each one cuddled and felt comfort in their parents arms. Their parents watched them as they slept, took joy in all of their milestones ; rolling over, sitting up, their first steps. They all had mannerisms and quirks unique to them. And it was just a normal day. Everything was like always for those parents until the event. And all I could think was how those parents must have just wished they could go back to the day before when they lived in a world that their babies existed, where they didn't know their baby was gone forever. I can't think of a worse feeling.
But then I read the stories about the adults. And though it didn't make the pain and sadness go away for the families who lost something immeasurable, it was a piece of beauty in something that seemed so infinitely horrible. I read about the principle who lunged at the attacker losing her life to protect those angels. Even though I have no ties to her, a sense of pride comes over me, instead of feeling embarrassed of my humanity (being tied to the shooter through the fact that I too am a human,) I find pride in it because of heroes like her. I read about the 27year old teacher who hid her children in cupboards and closets and told the shooter they were in the gym, losing her life for her protection of the children and I feel this sense of complete gratitude towards her. She was practically my age and I can't help but think I would be like her if I was caught in that situation. I read about a teacher hiding in the bathroom with her students afraid they would die, spending the time in the stalls telling them how special they are so that would be the last thing they heard instead of horror and shooting. What beautiful people these adults were. Heroes in every essence of the word. Bringing honor to their families beyond the grave.
It's such a deeply emotional event and I'm so tired of people immediately making it about themselves, if they are going to lose their right to bear arms. Can't you just relax and give those people the honor and respect they deserve. Can't you grieve with the families instead of talking about your political views. With that said, it kind of forces my hand. I never think we should alter the Declaration of Independence for ourselves due to one situation. So I do think its important to weigh that we are given the right to bear arms. However I'm so tired of hearing people who want to keep their guns saying "it's not guns that kill people, it's people." Everybody knows that. However if a child is given a knife and cuts someone's finger, the child is responsible but they should have never had access to the knife. People that are mentally unstable should never have access to guns in the same way. If the nation could find a way to make sure that those who aren't "qualified" so to speak absolutely will never have access to a weapon so sever as a gun, then so be it. That would be perfect. But I feel like if we can't ensure that, it's better to take it all away because you'd better be safe than sorry. I know there are so many benefits to guns but I feel that the risk of lives being taken is much higher and irreversible. When Nixon is around Maddox and wants to play with something that inappropriate for a 6month old because Maddox could choke on it. Both of them aren't allowed to play with it because of the possible danger. I hope we can find a system so that those who are qualified to bear arms can, and we can keep our rights while the option isn't at all available for those who shouldn't.
But I feel like that's not for us to decide. As civilians it's our place to stand with those families and mourn with them. To pray for them, to love them as a nation. I feel like every post positive or negative about guns is one post wasted that could have been used to lift up those families and children instead. I hate reading them because that's time that I just spent focusing on that aspect instead of thinking about these preciousn babies and heroines.
May God trusty bless America right now in our time of mourning. That said there is a time for every season and I truely believe this is a time of mourning the lost and being thankful for and loving the ones you have. Tomorrow come what may.
