It's been a while since i've updated the blog because life has just blown in like a ghust of wind from all sides raising and dishoveling everything close to me, some good, some hard, some painful.
Then I came back to real life after my vacation from it. I had my first day of work without Kelsey. It pretty much consisted of me feeling fine when i was talking with my co-workers, but then left to myself, internally fighting with every inch in me, not to let my watery eyes drop one tear. Literally, my neck was sore at the end of the night from clenching it the whole time in order to not cry. For some reason I felt this burden not to act like anything was wrong or missing because it would make others feel awkward. Meanwhile Michael's work had become a big dishoveled mess too. Tw0 people out of his 3 person sales department left. Needles to say, stress is at an all time high in certain parts of our lives...
1st, we moved into our new apartment, which I am loving. Unpacking has been stressful just because it always is, but I've enjoyed redecorating. Not only do i love our little place, but I love where we are located. I told Michael recently, I live a life of inner turmoil, I love and hate Corvallis so passionately. I'll explain some of this later. But I really do love corvallis. Our apartment is in town now, so Nixon and I can practically walk anywhere. It's so green and beautiful around our apartment, and since corvallis is such a family oriented city, there's plenty of parks close by for the little guy and I to enjoy.
On the other hand I hate Corvallis right now. Those who follow my facebook know that a couple weeks ago, I lost one of my newest and best friends and her little son. I work at night at a Senior Living Center for Alzheimers patients. It has it's ups and downs, but one of my very favorite things about working there was Kelsey Baker. From the first night we started working together we hit it off. Not only did we have semi similar lives, with our work and babies, but I truely enjoyed her company. Of all people I've known, there have been a handful, that I never get enough of because I'm so happy when i'm with them. When we weren't spending eight hours of work talking, and laughing together, we were getting lunch or having playdates together. Nixon and I couldn't get enough of Kelsey and Theo. But a few weeks ago, they were stolen away from this life. I've been dealing with emotions up the wazoo. Sometimes i just want to laugh at some of my memories and sometimes I want to just cry and sleep because a world without Kelsey and Theo is definately lacking. So I hate Corvallis, because not only does it seem like there's something missing to me, but somedays everything seems to remind me that they were snatched from life and I will never be able to enjoy them again.
Luckily right after this happened, my parents flew up for a trip that was pre planned. It couldn't have come at a better time. It was a time of relaxation, emotional rehab, long needed family fellowship. I forget just how much I miss my family until I see them (if that even makes sense.) It's just so beautiful to see my dad squeezing Nixon in his arms. And when I'm conversing with my mom, I just feel a sense of "home." I had such a wonderful time during their visit.
Then I came back to real life after my vacation from it. I had my first day of work without Kelsey. It pretty much consisted of me feeling fine when i was talking with my co-workers, but then left to myself, internally fighting with every inch in me, not to let my watery eyes drop one tear. Literally, my neck was sore at the end of the night from clenching it the whole time in order to not cry. For some reason I felt this burden not to act like anything was wrong or missing because it would make others feel awkward. Meanwhile Michael's work had become a big dishoveled mess too. Tw0 people out of his 3 person sales department left. Needles to say, stress is at an all time high in certain parts of our lives...And then I look at mr. Nixon, and everything seems to not be as bad. No pain or sorrow in my life seems to compare to the joy God gives me daily through that little muffin. Each evening, I find myself cuddled up in Michaels nook on the couch watching Nixon run around and our world seems right again. I don't know how we got so lucky to be entrused by God to take care of this beautiful, joyful child while on this earth.
I have truely found the Lord to be my rock, and Michael to be my stablity on the rock, to catch me when I falter, and Nixon to be my added joy to make the tough stuff not seem so impossible.
p.s. Nixon is just eating up knowlege right now. He says so many funny words that aren't quite right and it makes me melt. Like when I change his diaper he says "pu pu" which is his way of saying poo poo. I ask him what his name it and he says "Nishin." He's always finding brushes and brushing his hair, or finding shovels and spoons and pretending to eat, and afterwards going "mmmm." He's been going down for naps so much better too, and now when he wakes up, on the moniter I hear, bu bye, hi, and giggles. :) WHAT A BLESSING HE IS~
